Something Special in the Air

The tray table is in its upright position and the seat belt light screams red and I would like nothing more than to go to the bathroom, but the flight attendant has not given us the okay to move about the cabin. My son is launching angry birds from his iPhone at cows for stealing their eggs and my friend’s boyfriend plays the “Stand Alone” version of a crossword. When I hear the ding, I scramble, climb over my friend’s knees, knock over her iPad disrupting her quest for two down. Two men to the left are playing “Doodle Jump,” and one complains, “Why should I change my name to Hop? I don’t want to play as a stupid bunny.” The guy next to him says, “My girlfriend dumped me because I couldn’t put the game down.” A few rows ahead are a pack of Eagle Scouts, one with his lips pressed to the screen of his iPhone getting a tutorial on smooching from a beautiful anime character for the next time he decides to kiss a mirror. His friends are simulating and reproducing gaseous sounds from iFart and the boy with the bad skin is playing “Zit Picker,” an app that helps simulate having and destroying acne. The boy is choosing between blackheads and whiteheads and the method in which he will annihilate his enemy. The pregnant woman seated one row in front of me is using the “Contract Master,” timing the length and duration of her contractions, while the man next to her is shaking his iPad as if he is mixing a martini trying to silence a jiggling baby until an “X” appears across its body. I am frightened for the release of this man’s sperm into any woman. The flight attendant asks the gentleman on her right if he would like anything to drink and he says, “No, I’m fine,” lifting his iPhone to his mouth transforming the screen to a cold, dripping bottle of Budweiser, and I would think that spending the five dollars on a real beer might make for a better purchase, but then there is this man who paid to play “Piss and Miss” trying to recycle a beer on his screen and have it land in the toilet. On my way back from the bathroom I find a man in a crash position plugging a stethoscope into his iPhone so he can measure his heart beats per minute, and I sense he is an overly obsessive app user trying to convince himself he is still alive. The woman next to him is leaning on her husband’s shoulder as he does the crossword puzzle. He asks her to fill in the blank, (blank) savant and she says “idiot.” Squeezing my way back into my seat the man on the aisle downloads iPropose, asks his girlfriend to marry him, never says a word.



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